FOR BUHARI’S ESTRANGED ‘LOVERS’: A MAN WHO SWALLOWS A WHOLE COCONUT SHOULD HAVE COMPLETE FAITH IN HIS ANUS

By Chris Obiako

Sometime in August 2018, in n a crowded hall filled to the brim with sycophants, hypocrites and praise-singers, Mr. Philip Shekwo, former Chairman Nasarawa State chapter of the All Progressives Congress (APC), mounted the rostrum, and bellowed, “If not because God, in his infinite mercy, decided to bring Muhammadu Buhari to power at the time He did, the country could have been in a mess by now.“ He babbled on, “The President is sincerely fighting corruption…Boko Haram was also defeated and no single local government area in the country today is under the control of the (Boko Haram) group as was in the case in the past.”

Before he was abducted by gunmen, and slaughtered like Christmas chicken, Shekwo was a ‘wonderful’ party man whose loyalty was fierce.

So was disgraced and deposed Emir of Kano, Muhammadu Sanusi. So was former Nigeria’s President, Olusegun Obasanjo (though he told us he was not a card-carrying member of APC). So were Senators Mohammed Ali Ndume, Kashiim Shetima and Uba Sani.

So were majority of members of Nigeria’s House of Representatives. So was Hakeem Baba-Ahmed. So were the Northern Elders Forum. So were millions of APC supporters in Nigeria’s six geo-political zones. So were millions of my friends, associates and colleagues.

While Obasanjo is burning the midnight candle – writing letters in frustration – berating and disowning the same man he had flaunted as the Jesus Christ of our times; while Sanusi, Ndume and co., are gallivanting, organising press conferences, seminars etc. to express their disdain over the man they paraded as Prophet Mohammed of the modern era; while members of the House of Representatives are threatening to impeach the man they once referred to as Nigeria’s messiah; while millions of APC supporters have changed their ‘Sai Baba’ anthem to ‘God go punish Baba’; while my friends, associates and colleagues are all over the social media, gnashing their teeth, groaning, cursing, ranting and insisting that ‘Mr. Integrity’ must resign, Shekwo is somewhere in hell, biting his fingers, telling Satan tales of how he misfired in vouching for, and singing the praises of a rudderless man who rendered the country impotent and incapacitated; a clueless man who laid the foundation for the wanton insecurity in Nigeria that claimed his precious life. Satan’s response, unequivocally, will go like this, “My son, if you close your eyes to facts, you learn by accident.”

Dogs don’t actually prefer bones to meat. The truth is that nobody gives them meat. This adage succinctly summaries Nigeria’s despicable and deplorable circumstances. Nigerians are used to bad leaders, not because they asked for them, or desired them, or prayed for them, but because good leaders are scarce products in the West African nation.

Since independence in 1960 till date, Nigerians have witnessed leaders who came in different shapes and sizes.
From Barkin Zuwo, a former governor of Kano State, who referred to the three solid minerals in Nigeria as Coca Cola, Fanta and Sprite; to another Kano State governor, Abdullahi Ganduje, who was caught on tape collecting bribe from a contractor; to former Edo State governor, Adams Oshiomole, whose only achievement as number one citizen of the state was the ‘import’ of a foreign wife from Djibouti.

From ex-Inspector General of Police, Idris Ibrahim, who could not pronounce the word ‘transmission’; to Jim Nwobodo, who as Minister of Sports and Youth Development, carted away (and converted to personal use) a generating set meant for supply of power (during sporting activities) at the National Stadium, Lagos; to Senator Ike Ekweremmadu, who took his New Yam Festival celebration skills to Germany where thousands of frustrated and ravaged Nigerians were starving.

From former Inspector General of Police, Tafa Balogun, who was indicted for diverting more than N7.5 billion naira meant for salaries and allowances of the ‘men in black’; to Lagos State House of Assembly Majority Leader, Sanai Agunbiade, who stored palliatives meant for hungry Nigerians in his private residence, and turned around to claim that the he was planning to distribute the food items on his birthday. I can go on and on.

It’s sardonic that these Nigerian leaders arrive with high expectations. While hugging the headlines, they feed Nigerians with all manner of crap. They make spurious promises, build castle in the air, and dangle mouth-watering incentives. Yet, once they mount the saddle of leadership, they brandish their fangs.

The hard lesson Nigerians have learned over the decades, regrettably, is that our leaders are like grizzly bears. Even if a grizzly bear wears a Versace designer dress, puts on angel wigs and adorns a gold crown, it’s still a grizzly bear, and it’ll still eat you if it were hungry enough.

BUHARI’S BOGUS CREDENTIALS Pre 2015, All Progressives Congress (APC) recruited groomed, grounded and aggressive propagandists, led by a certain Lai Mohammed and Joe Igbokwe. Their mission was clear; lure Nigerians out of the bush, and shoot them.
They stuffed our brains with hocus-pocus. They started by telling us how Buhari on the day he was toppled in a military coup did not have enough money in his account to pay for his rented apartment in Lagos. They told tales of how he sent his first wife, Safinatu, packing because she accepted Babangida’s Greek gift to enable her offset her children’s school fees when Buhari was in detention.
Lai and his gang painted a solemn picture of a country hanging in the balance; a nation in dire straits, and when they dangled the ‘Change’ mantra, Nigerians were quick to latch on it.

‘Change’ automatically became an icon and symbol of redemption. Buhari, like Lai and co. posited, was clean, undiluted, pure and as white as snow. From Lai’s spurious sermons, Buhari represented the people’s longings, and Nigeria’s hopes are represented in the Daura-born military officer.
It did not take long for Nigerians to swallow Lai and gang’s scheming tongues lime, hook and sinker.

Just then, Nigerians, went about singing Buhari’s praises. He became the physical logo of ‘Change’ Nigerians were solemnly seeking. He represented not only their persistent craving for transparency, as well as their outward desire for ‘Change’ to the point that people were emphatic that if he eventually mounted the saddle of Nigeria’s leadership, the days of looting would be history. Enthusiastically, Nigerians crowned him a reformer, redeemer, messiah, among others.

During the post 2015 Nigeria’s Presidential elections campaign, General Muhammadu Buhari’s manifesto, among others, read, ‘Provision of adequate security for Nigerians and their property’. More than five years (he was re-elected in 2019) into his administration, Nigerians are sleeping with both eyes wide open. To imagine that tackling security was one of his three cardinal pre 2015 election promises, Nigerians, like late foremost journalist, Dele Giwa wrote, are ‘shocked beyond shockability’.
Boko Haram, is a terrorist organization that has killed millions of people in Nigeria and rendered hundreds of millions homeless. They were instrumental to the abduction of 200 Chibok (school) girls, whose whereabouts are yet to be ascertained. Yet, before he came to power, Buhari boasted that he would deploy his military experience to exterminate the terrorist group.

Ironically, more than five years into his misrule, Boko Haram have become stronger and deadlier. They are alleged to have killed more than ten thousand Nigerian soldiers since Buhari took over, maimed more than fifteen thousand military officers, and rendered most parts of Northern Nigeria ungovernable.
Poignantly, instead of fighting the militant group, and bringing their sponsors and leaders to book, to deter others, Buhari is busy pampering, rehabilitating and retraining them. At the last count, thousands of ‘repentant’ members of the group are enlisted in the Nigeria military, as well as para-military organisations in the country.

Some of us who are political and intelligence neophytes can put two and two together and come to the conclusion that recruiting members of the deadly group into the army, police etc., amounts to one sleeping with the enemy.

Examples are not hard to come by. Some months ago, 75 ‘malams’ (core Islamic devotees) who were 60 years and above, were led to an abattoir, and slaughtered by Boko Haram. As if that was not enough, a Nigerian army contingent was waylaid recently, and a general was killed by the same militant group. As the blood sucking demons were back to business, few weeks ago, when 67 innocent farmers were beheaded in Zabarmari, it was revealed that the information that led to the ambush that took the top military officer’s life, as well the gory transactions that sent the ‘malams’ and farmers to their early graves were divulged by a Boko Haram ‘repentant’.

Palpable insecurity in Nigeria is not only rampant in the North. It has spread its deadly tentacles to every nook and cranny of Nigeria.
Bizarrely, Buhari, who was a former military ruler from 1983 – 1985, and who boasted pre 2015 presidential election to use his ‘vast and in-depth’ military experience to dismantle Boko Haram, has turned to vegetable.

Before now, monarchs are ‘untouchable’ when it comes to violent attacks. But when Oba Israel Adelusi, Olufon of Ifon was abducted and shot dead by ‘unknown’ gun men in Ondo State, in November, it became crystal clear that the die is cast.
Oke Falola, a middle-aged business man and proprietor of Falola Hotel in Osun State, was also sent to his early grave under similar circumstances. Few weeks ago, a prominent business man in Aba, Abia State, Chief Ambrose Okafor, was whisked away, shot dead, and dumped in a bush. In Ekiti, a Baptist Church pastor, Oladimeji Gbolagade, was left to bleed to his death in his car, after an attack by ‘unknown’ gunmen. In Rivers State, another monarch, Eze Augustine Amadionu, was kidnapped and beheaded by ‘bandits’. Just few days ago, Austin Emu, Commander of the Anti-Cult Volunteer Corps was assassinated in Kwale, Delta State under bizarre circumstances. As Emu was kissing the dust in Delta State, two blood brothers, Ifeanyi and Tochukwu Anyanwu, who recently relocated from Abuja to Owerri, were being silenced by ‘unknown’ gun men in Imo State.

Wherever you turn in Nigeria, sorrow, tears and blood, are prominent features. Nigerians are now wondering why Buhari, who was flaunted by Lai Mohammed and co. as a meticulous, glorious and untainted military officer has turned from being the Commander-In-Chief of Nigeria’s Armed Forces to Spectator-In-Chief of corruption, terrorism, banditry and kidnapping.

Apart from appointing mercenaries, impostors and charlatans as service chiefs, ministers, special advisers and special assistants, Buhari has made lying, deceit and bigotry the stock-in-trade of his administration.

Nonetheless appalling elements like long-winded presidential spokesmen, Garba Shehu and Femi Adeshina as well as Lai Mohammed and Joe Igbokwe are relentlessly blowing the trumpet of their paymaster – Buhari. They are at work, trying to behave as if ‘it’s well’. They are devastatingly cunning, desperately trying to make it look as everything is okay with Nigeria.

Depressed and repressed by the diminished capabilities of the administration of their wobbly and fumbling boss, they are showing signs of repeated episodes of disorientation, impaired attention span, as well as impaired abstract thinking. Simply put, the president’s anarchists are wooly, wild and wanton.

While Obasanjo, Ndume, Shetima buzz like bees trapped in a bottle; whereas the Northern Elders Forum, House of Representatives members, millions of the president’s estranged admirers and apologists are not just upset, but are boiling like hot water, Nigerians have a word for them: a man who swallows a whole coconut should have complete confidence in his anus.